im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
