how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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