There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
