i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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