That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
