drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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