So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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