As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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