I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
