how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
