he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
