i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
