I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
