My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
