im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
smell my finger.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
