dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
