Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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