Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
