So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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