I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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