Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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