Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
