after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
There's even glitter on my cock...
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