She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I think a kid would responsible me up
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
