For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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