I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
