I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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