i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
