you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
