She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
