If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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