idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
