I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I looked at my own cervix.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
