when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I am one with the molecules
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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