I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Randomize
