I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Is it because I queefed?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
