screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
