I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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