So gin and wine won't be happening again
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
