Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
soo... how was my night?
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