you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
