wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Randomize
