How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize