Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
