half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize