You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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