Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize