1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
