The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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