just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
