youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
