I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
