I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
no you cant smoke seaweed
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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