Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
