I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
