Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Randomize