im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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