"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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