so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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