remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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