Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
And then my night got REAL pukey
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
