I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
